Kefka Interviews People at a Supermarket
by Jumi
Summary: A freaky little fic about the only job cRaZy Kefka could get.


Kefka Interviews People at a Supermarket

Kefka Interviews People at a Supermarket   
by   
Robert Silvers

*Scene: A local supermarket*   
Kefka: Hello, I'm Kefka Palazzo. Vwee hee hee!!! I'm here to see if people like Pepsi, or Coke. *to passerby* Excuse me, sir, care to take a taste test?   
Guy: Okay. By the way, my name's Mustadio Bunanza.   
Kefka: Cool. *blindfolds Mustadio* Now, just drink beverage number one...   
Mustadio: Not bad.   
Kefka: Now beverage number two...   
Mustadio: Pretty good.   
Kefka: Now number three...   
Mustadio: Ugh! That tastes like old dishwater!   
Kefka: It IS old dishwater! That's there to throw you off! Vwee hee hee!!!   
Mustadio: Yuck!   
Kefka: Anyway, which one did you like better?   
Mustadio: I'd have to say... the first one... no, the second one... no, wait... I don't know. Oh dear, I seem to have wet myself... excuse me. *runs off to restroom*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!!! It seems he couldn't decide! Who's next? You, sir, care to take a taste test?   
Rock: Better get your damn hands off the Rock before the Rock lays the smack down on your roody-poo candy ass! I am the most electrifying star in sports entertainment today, and I don't have time for any damn taste test. You're about to check into Smackdown Hotel on the corner of Jabberone Drive and Know Your Role Boulevard!   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! Most electrifying star, you say? How's this for electrifying? LIGHT OF JUDGEMENT! *blasts The Rock with the Light of Judgement*   
Rock: Ow, ow, ow, ow, YEEEEOUCH! Seafood soup! *runs*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!!!   
Dolf: Flames of Judgement!   
Rock: OW, THAT STINGS!!! *runs further*   
Kefka: Copycat! Taste Light of Judgement!   
Dolf: Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh! *runs*   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee! No one can match my Light of Judgement!   
Voice: I am Grahf, Seeker of Pepsi. Doth thou desire the Pepsi?   
Kefka: I thought you were the Seeker of Power.   
Grahf: Cutbacks.   
Kefka: Well, I don't desire Pepsi, because I have Pepsi. I'm doing taste tests. Care to try one? Vwee hee hee!!!   
Grahf: Um... okay. *blindfolds himself*   
Kefka: Try number one...   
Grahf: Tangy...   
Kefka: Now number two...   
Grahf: Lemony...   
Kefka: (This guy must be insane! There's no lemons in these!) Number three...   
Grahf: A slight aroma of fine champagne...   
Kefka: I don't believe it! That was dishwater!   
Grahf: My tastebuds were disfigured in a horrible accident as a child.   
Kefka: Vwee hee hee!!! What happened?   
Grahf: I ate my cat. Raw.   
Kefka: How delightfully evil! Have some Light of Judgement! *blasts Grahf with Light of Judgement*   
Grahf: YEEEEOUCH!!! How treacherous! I love it! *leaves*   
Kefka: Hmm. Who now?   
Some guy: Oh! Oh! Me! Me! PICK ME! *holding a large sign that says "Pick me!"*   
Kefka: Okay, I could never refuse such enthusiasm! Vwee hee hee!!! You! What's your name?   
Some guy: Woohoo! Me! Oh, name's Cloud.   
Kefka: (Obviously fake name.) Okay, "Cloud," let's go. *blindfolds Cloud* Here's number one...   
Cloud: I love free soft drinks.   
Kefka: Number two...   
Cloud: This is so exciting...   
Kefka: Number three...   
Cloud: Hm. This is cool.   
Kefka: (I don't believe it! That was dishwater! He didn't even flinch!) So, which one do you like better?   
Cloud: Like? Better? Huh?   
Kefka: Which do you PREFER?   
Cloud: Prefer? I'm afraid I don't catch your drift?   
Kefka: You do have an opinion, right?   
Cloud: Opinion? What are you talking about?   
Kefka: On the drinks! Which one is your favorite?   
Cloud: Favorite? They're all okay, I guess.   
Kefka: Even the third one?!   
Cloud: It was fine, I suppose.   
Kefka: It was dishwater!   
Cloud: Oh. Well, I wouldn't drink dishwater, but I didn't mind it. Who am I to judge?   
*suddenly a bell is heard tolling, and a heart pounding*   
Kefka: That can only mean...   
Cloud: Guh... fol... low... Mas... ter... north...   
Voice: I am destined to become one with the Planet! I am the rightful ruler of this world!   
Kefka: Bonus round!   
Cloud: Uh... head hurting... eyes burning... GIVE ME A NUMBER!!!!   
*Sephiroth appears*   
Sephiroth: Taste test, Kefka? My god, this is pathetic! How low you've sunken! You used to terrorize the world, and now... look at you!   
Kefka: You'll be the same way in a year or so! Wait until Idea hits the villain scene! You'll be out of work just like me! Vwee hee hee!!! Besides, I'm really on a secret mission. I'm just here to get closer to the cake!   
Sephiroth: Shut up! Like that witch could ever hold a candle to The Great Sephiroth! I am the one chosen to lead this Planet to the Promised Land! Ha ha ha! I scoff in the general direction of Final Fantasy VIII!   
Cloud: Guh... sweet... candy...   
Sephiroth: Shut up! *snaps his fingers*   
Cloud: Gew...   
Voice: There he is! Get him!   
Sephiroth: What is this?   
Man: I'm Squall Leonhart, and we're here to get you, Sephiroth! No one trashes FFVIII! Zell, Laguna, Rinoa, get him!   
Sephiroth: Please. This is pathetic. Cloud! *snaps fingers*   
Cloud: Guh... Omnislash!   
*Cloud Omnislashes Zell, Laguna, and Rinoa, killing them*   
Squall: This... this can't be!   
Sephiroth: Oh, but it is! *leaps across, cutting Squall*   
Squall: No... I'm too young... to die here!   
Sephiroth: Too bad. *vanishes, only to reappear falling over Squall, running him through*   
Squall: So... young... *dies*   
Cloud: Oh my god! Squall! He'll never laugh, or cry, or get angry! What is this I'm feeling! My mouth is dry, my eyes are burning... what about US? What are WE supposed to do?   
Sephiroth: Always thinking of yourself, Cloud... tsk, tsk... *snaps fingers*   
Cloud: Guh... north... Promised... Land...   
Kefka: Uh... this was nice...   
Sephiroth: You see, Kefka, I am the Great Almighty Sephiroth. These foolish heroes cannot stop me. I have disabled my greatest nemesis, and I just squashed four "great heroes" like they were nothing. Ha ha ha!!! I cannot be defeated! *he and Cloud vanish*   
Kefka: Damn, he sure does talk a lot.   
Bystander: Kill, die, murder, death!   
Kefka: You, taste test, now!   
Bystander: I am Id! Kill, die, evil, pain, murder!   
Kefka: Wee, sounds like fun! Vwee hee hee! Now, taste test! *blindfolds Id* Now, number one...   
Id: Blood of my victims...   
Kefka: Number two...   
Id: Blood of... somebody else's victims...   
Kefka: Number three...   
Id: Dishwater of pain...   
Kefka: Which do you prefer?   
Id: *removing blindfold* Preference is irrelevant. Only pain matters. I am pain. *trots off*   
Kefka: That was bizarre! Oh, well, it seems I'm out of Coke and Pepsi! Vwee hee hee! I still have a lot of dishwater left, though. This is Kefka Palazzo, signing off! Vwee hee hee!!! 

THE END


End file.
